Something Lost, Something Gained

May 21, 2009

After trying my hardest to get the hang of meditation, I decided to give it up until another time. I had been taking a Monday night class, but had started becoming very jaded about it. I was putting far too much pressure on myself to “get” it, and it just wasn’t coming. Instead of going to the class with an open mind, I was approaching the process annoyed and frustrated. I couldn’t seem to snap out of my bad attitude, so I decided to stop going. It wasn’t doing me any good to spend two hours angry. I do see the value of it, but just can’t do it right now. I plan to do a little reading about meditation and hopefully pick it up again a few months down the line.

I’ve marked meditation off my list, but decided to take up the support group circuit. I have avoided support groups until now because I did not want to surround myself with more cancer talk. However, I realized I was constantly thinking about cancer anyway, and that it would probably be good to be talking to other people who have been in my shoes. I attended a support group at Swedish yesterday, but it was actually only one other person and myself. The other patient who was there was an annoying Pollyanna who said she is told by all her doctors that she has a fantastic outlook and positive attitude. Well, goody for you. The session was moderated by a social worker intern who could not have been older than 20. When I walked into the room, I felt the same way I do when I walk into the aerobics room and notice there’s a substitute. Trapped, and too late to turn around and leave! I sat through the painful 90 minute session, enduring the awkward pauses and listening to Miss Perfect talk about how she likes to crack jokes with her friends to keep the mood light. Thankfully I am planning to go to different group at Gilda’s Club next Wednesday that is sure to be a little more vibrant. This one is especially for women under 40. I exchanged emails with the group leader, and she said there are four other women with the triple negative diagnosis. I think I will be more comfortable there.

Taking the previous week off was a good decision. I had a ton of energy and felt normal again. When I went in for my infusion Tuesday, my blood counts had gone back up to more normal levels. Oliver came with me to this treatment on the advice of several of the oncology nurses. It was good for him to see what “chemo” really meant. He met a lot of nice people and realized that it’s just not all that exciting! I think he was most excited about taking the morning off school.

Jason and I are looking forward to a Mariners’ game Friday night and a relaxing weekend in the sun!

Minor Setback

May 13, 2009

Things didn’t go quite as planned at my appointment this Tuesday. I had my port accessed and blood drawn, but when I saw my doctor right before the infusion, he decided to cancel the treatment. My blood counts hadn’t dropped further from the week before (and my white cell count was actually up a point) but my energy level was so low that he said if I went through this treatment without a break, I’d end up a “puddle on the floor.” That didn’t really appeal to me, but neither did canceling the treatment and tacking another week onto the end of my schedule. But so it goes. I do think it is for the best: it’s only Wednesday and already I am feeling like I am getting some energy back. My taste buds seem to be rebounding as well – something had been “off” the past few weeks, and everything just tasted odd. Most people’s weekly treatments include a week off every few treatments, so this isn’t unusual. I guess my doctor was just going to see how much I could take.

I have had to cancel a few appointments and lunch dates in the past week because I have been so tired. I also took on quite a load of work (bad timing!), thinking that this round of treatments would be so much easier. The Abraxane is easier in a way: it doesn’t require the use of steroids to offset nausea, so I don’t feel drugged up and weird. But the steroids with the last round did give me a certain amount of energy for a few days following the treatment. So it is a trade-off. For awhile I was certain that feeling tired would not be such a big deal, but I had forgotten that fatigue takes its toll in many ways: constant headaches, moodiness, forgetfulness, etc. By mid-week last week, I was really getting weary just walking up the hill to Oliver’s bus stop. Last Thursday morning I took a spinning class at the gym and overdid it – I felt horrible the rest of the day and never really snapped out of it. In the past, I have used intense exercise to deal with stress or uneasiness. That outlet it not available to me anymore, and I have yet to find something to replace it. This continues to be a journey.

Call it “chemo brain” or just the effects of being tired, but this situation does produce some light comedy. See below:

I tossed some recyclables into the linen closet instead of the recycle bin.
I put the jam on the pantry shelf instead of in the refrigerator.
I asked my friend Jennifer repeatedly if she really did like sushi, forgetting that our friendship is practically defined by our regular trips to Sushi Land.
I have heated up tea in the microwave a number of times, but have forgotten it is in there until I find the cup sometime around dinnertime.
I got “snack week” at Oliver’s school wrong by an entire week, actually shopping, preparing and sending off snacks for his class one week before I was scheduled.
I called Oliver’s after-school program “Captain Kangaroo” instead of “Captain Caveman,” prompting all sorts of questions and dating myself considerably.

May 6, 2009

My third abraxane infusion was Tuesday and everything is going fairly well. I still do not have any nausea or “drugged” feelings from this round. My red blood cell count came up a bit, which has kept me from needing a blood transfusion. My white cell count has dropped considerably over the past several weeks, but that can be remedied with a small shot (I had white blood cell booster shots after each AC infusion). As for now, my counts are within range, so no action is being taken.

I have been pretty tired lately, and my energy level is low. I’ve continued to exercise, but it is a lot harder than it has been in the past. Even walking Oliver up the hill to the bus stop gets me winded.

I’ve taken on quite a bit of work, which probably wasn’t the smartest move, but it is keeping me busy and distracted.

Lately I have been really wishing I had my hair back. I am getting very tired of this wig. The novelty has worn off, and it feels ratty and messy. I looked for a new wig at a shop near Pike Place, but they were cheap and looked really fake. I miss putting my hair in a ponytail or styling it. Back when I had hair, I rarely kept the same style or color for more than a couple months. I miss shampoo! Conditioner! Smoothing serum! My hairdryer! Flat iron!

It is so tiring to have a small child amidst all this – especially one as whiney as Oliver. He’s gotten into this habit where he whines at everything and it drives me up the wall.

Saturday I am going on a training walk for the Breast Cancer 3-Day – a group is meeting at Woodland Park and walking seven miles. My teammate, Carol, is coming as well as Brenda (who is volunteering at the 3-Day as a crew member) and Katherine – who we may convince to join out team. Come on, Katherine!!

The rest of the weekend is filled with birthday parties and play dates. Hope the weather is nice!

Costco?

Things are much better now that I have had a nap...!

Any chance anyone in the area is going to Costco in the next few days? I don't have a membership and would love to get a big bottle of Vitamin D...