Something Lost, Something Gained

May 21, 2009

After trying my hardest to get the hang of meditation, I decided to give it up until another time. I had been taking a Monday night class, but had started becoming very jaded about it. I was putting far too much pressure on myself to “get” it, and it just wasn’t coming. Instead of going to the class with an open mind, I was approaching the process annoyed and frustrated. I couldn’t seem to snap out of my bad attitude, so I decided to stop going. It wasn’t doing me any good to spend two hours angry. I do see the value of it, but just can’t do it right now. I plan to do a little reading about meditation and hopefully pick it up again a few months down the line.

I’ve marked meditation off my list, but decided to take up the support group circuit. I have avoided support groups until now because I did not want to surround myself with more cancer talk. However, I realized I was constantly thinking about cancer anyway, and that it would probably be good to be talking to other people who have been in my shoes. I attended a support group at Swedish yesterday, but it was actually only one other person and myself. The other patient who was there was an annoying Pollyanna who said she is told by all her doctors that she has a fantastic outlook and positive attitude. Well, goody for you. The session was moderated by a social worker intern who could not have been older than 20. When I walked into the room, I felt the same way I do when I walk into the aerobics room and notice there’s a substitute. Trapped, and too late to turn around and leave! I sat through the painful 90 minute session, enduring the awkward pauses and listening to Miss Perfect talk about how she likes to crack jokes with her friends to keep the mood light. Thankfully I am planning to go to different group at Gilda’s Club next Wednesday that is sure to be a little more vibrant. This one is especially for women under 40. I exchanged emails with the group leader, and she said there are four other women with the triple negative diagnosis. I think I will be more comfortable there.

Taking the previous week off was a good decision. I had a ton of energy and felt normal again. When I went in for my infusion Tuesday, my blood counts had gone back up to more normal levels. Oliver came with me to this treatment on the advice of several of the oncology nurses. It was good for him to see what “chemo” really meant. He met a lot of nice people and realized that it’s just not all that exciting! I think he was most excited about taking the morning off school.

Jason and I are looking forward to a Mariners’ game Friday night and a relaxing weekend in the sun!